Letting go of a dream is never easy and sometimes it can take a very long time, but in the end, a dream greater than any we can imagine may be just what is in store for us. Almost everyone acknowledges that there is some power in the universe that is greater than we are. Some call it Allah, Buddah, God or have other names for it. I simply call him my Father in Heaven. And it was to Him that I went to find the healing that I so desperately needed.
While going through the grief and the pain, I spent hours and hours in prayer trying to find answers. Why did I have to meet Aaron in the first place? Why, when I did what I thought was right, did it not work out? Hadn’t I suffered enough from the death of my mother, my nephew, and a failed marriage in such a short space of time? Did I really need a broken heart added to it?
There were times on my knees when I simply cried out “Why?!” It was at that time that I felt God answer “My daughter, I have my reasons for everything. You are not forgotten. Be patient, little one, the answers and the blessings will come.” And they did, though not in the ways I thought they should. I believe, in many ways, what came was much better. I learned life lessons that developed my character and made me a better person.
What were the lessons I learned? I learned greater faith, more patience with God’s timeline and my own failings, a greater empathy to others’ suffering and forgiveness. I learned to forgive Aaron, others, and to forgive myself. I also developed a greater understanding into the relationship that I have with my Heavenly Father. I grew so much closer to Him and realized what a generous, loving and PATIENT God he is. I say patient because I must have asked for reassurance from Him hundreds of times over the past 2 ½ years. And every time I asked, He gave it.
The following is a song that I heard for the first time a couple of months ago. Since then, it has become the symbol for my life.
A Beautiful Heartbreak
By Hilary Weeks
“I had it all mapped out in front of me,
Knew just where I wanted to go;
But life decided to change my plans,
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.
I knew there was no way to move it,
So I searched for a way around;
Brokenhearted I started climbing,
And at the top I found…
Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I’m here I would never trade…
The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.
I used to pray he’d take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.”
There were times I really thought I wasn’t going to make it. Times when I wanted to throw everything over and run away. There were times I hid from everyone while I spent hours trying to find peace again. And though I have made mistakes, the one beautiful message of hope throughout all of this was that I DID find peace again. It took time, meditation, prayer, and a lot of tears, but I did find it again.
As stated before in a previous entry, life is never going to be easy or perfect. But now I know, even while in the midst of the trial, that good times will come again and good things will happen. They might not happen as quickly as I want them to, but they DO come. Sometimes, it’s the waiting that can be the most difficult trial of all.
I used to pray that God would take all the pain, sadness and heartache away, but I have learned instead that it simply became . . . a beautiful heartbreak.