Digging Deep for Forgiveness and Gratitude

I’m in a place I never wanted to be. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say the trials of many months have taken their toll on my optimism and dreams. Life has become a constant barrage of pessimism and problems to be dealt with on a daily basis. There are too many days I lay in bed when my alarm goes off and I dread what the day holds.

However, in the midst of this cycle of depression, I am driving down the road and I see a scarlet and orange tree flaming in the sunlight. It is glorious and quivering with life as each leaf seems to dance with joy. Behind it lies a sky of deep, azure blue and it takes my breath away. It’s enough to stop the torrent of negative thoughts that have become my daily companion.

As I continue to drive, I see hundreds of towering, dark cedar pines standing close together like a line of soldiers guarding the long-held secrets of the wild woods. The canopy of green is so thick that barely a ray of sunlight breaks through. Then in another moment, I round the bend and the waters of the bay suddenly spread out in front of me. The sun glints off the water and the radiance of it all blows away the last vestiges of the cobwebs of my negativity.

Instead of the fog of depression, I am suddenly reminded of how grateful I am to be here surrounded by nature’s vast and magnificent beauty. It is a humbling moment. The thought passes through my mind “I’m still here, Melissa.”

I whisper “I’m sorry” to my Heavenly Father. I have lost my way, but instead of the reproach I expect to feel, He reaches back with what feels like a warm, understanding hug. “I love you, daughter. I know…I understand.” And that is enough. Healing tears come and the bitterness begins to melt away. I have gone through this before and I will likely go through it again, but with humility comes the reminder that God has a plan. I don’t understand it, but He does. And He loves me…and for now, that is enough.