Lessons learned through family, friends and past loves.
Deep breath…
Exhale…
Shoulders drop and release
Pain slides away
Peace comes in its place
I let go…
Of gritted teeth
Of poisonous words
Of irrational rages
Of the pretense of love
I let go…
Of daily excuses
And drunken tears
Of empty promises
And unspoken fears
I let go…
And turn away
From the darkness to light
To a new path
To a new life
I let go…
“Unfortunately, we won’t need your help after the end of December.” Those were the words my current supervisor said to me this morning. A contract job I had been told I would have for several more months (and was hoping would become permanent) was now ending. I had just started the job in the middle of October after a five month stretch of looking for work with no income.
I hung up the video call, bent my head and wept. It was too much.
The week before Thanksgiving, I separated from an extremely toxic marriage. My sister and brother-in-law kindly took me in as I had no money for rent. The oh-so-gracious landlord said I could only stay until the end of December, but that did not matter, as I had made plans with a friend to work and live abroad for a few months come January. I would finally get to go back to England which I had been missing for a long, long time. My husband would stay in the states and take the car and the cats. It was a good plan for the both of us.
In one fell swoop, everything was wiped away. Instead of visions of sugar plums, I had visions of large debts that I owe looming in my head. Where was I going to live when the time came for me to leave? How was I going to survive with no income if I didn’t find something right away? What would happen when the money ran out? These questions hit me hard. After work ended, I laid in bed in a dim room and let the tears stream down my face. I kept thinking of that quote by J.K. Rowling “Rock bottom became the foundation upon which I rebuilt my life.” I felt at rock bottom.
I watched a Christmas movie with my sister trying to keep my spirits up while I applied to jobs on my phone. All I did was make cynical comments. Christmas…bah humbug. I was definitely not in the mood for anything even remotely jovial. The romance between the couple seemed a mockery of my own relationship. Their silly problems seemed ridiculous in the face of what I was experiencing.
But the end line of the movie talked about faith…the one thing that binds everyone together. I felt a tear slip down my cheek. My own faith felt small and broken.
I had to run an errand to the grocery store. Small snowflakes were lightly covering the wet ground. I walked slowly from my car and for a moment, turned my face up to feel the snowflakes on my cheeks and nose. They tickled. I had forgotten that they could tickle like that. I felt something innocent bubble up inside of me. It was small, but it was there.
As I finished my errand and got back in my car, I switched on the radio and these lines were sung “A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices…for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.” And then I suddenly remembered: Christmas was about Him…the Savior of the World. It wasn’t about how much money you had nor how many presents were under the tree. It was about remembering that the greatest gift of all was something that could never be wiped away. A gift that was given freely to every human on earth…the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The gift of pure love.
And then I felt it. That peaceful, quiet, spiritual miracle of Christmas. Him…Jesus the Christ.
I took a deep breath and wiped a tear away. It will be ok, no matter what happens, it will be ok. I don’t know how, but He’s proven it to me over and over again. I simply must just trust Him. I believe in miracles, especially at Christmas. I don’t know if my miracle will come before or after that beautiful day, but it will come. Yes, it will come. I believe…I believe…I believe…
I was recently watching the movie “Eat, Pray, Love” where the main character, Elizabeth, and her friends were discussing if cities and people had one word to describe them. While each person seemed to know the perfect word, Liz couldn’t come up with what seemed a good fit. Her friend said “Maybe you are a woman in search of a word.” That stayed with me, because a person in search of a word is in search of who they really are.
I have had many words that described me over the years: wallflower, hopeless romantic, creative, nerd, free-spirited, stubborn, bossy, generous, loving, efficient, adventurer, introvert, single, married, divorced, etc. Each of these words has described facets of my personality, but none of them have ever quite hit the mark. I don’t know if there is a word that could completely describe one person, but I believe there might be a word or phrase that seems to describe different stages of life.
Having just recently had a milestone birthday, I realized I’m a woman in search of a word. But a new word takes time to develop. It must incorporate the old ones that described your past stages and life lessons learned along the way. It should bring together the inevitable cracks in your walls and the random wild flowers that bloom in those new spaces. It must merge the weather-worn and fiercely polished stones with that one brilliant piece of gold that shines when the sun hits it just right. It is past, present and hopeful future blended into one superlative description that seems to just cry “You!”
I don’t know yet what that word will be, but whatever it is, it will be beautiful.
We loved first in our dreams... You reached from beyond into my unconscious mind and found me in the realms of fantasy Falling in love was as easy as breathing And we did with an intensity that seemed To brush the very tenets of my soul Every spiritual nerve tingled As we laughed at jokes As you tenderly touched my face As your arms reached around me And we sighed in perfect contentment It was a fullness of joy... That still companions me in my waking hours You reminded me how to love... Which I'm holding in my heart Until we meet again.
Waltzing in your arms
On the sifting sands
Swaying to the rhythm
Of the hushed waves
As the colors of dawn
Sang a silent song
Only the winking stars
And the rustling palms
Had been witnesses
To our fleeting romance
Our eyes sang a lyrical melody
Our entwined fingers
Played a symphony
With a rising crescendo
Of unspoken emotions
Our lips met…
Desire, passion, love, frustration
And hopelessness crashed
Into one unforgettable moment
Of impossible longing
We watched the stars disappear
As we held onto the night
That could never last
We fought farewell
As the notes of our symphony
Faded into a minor key
With one last wistful kiss
We watched the curtains fall on our dream
As the rising sun of our new reality
Made its melancholy debut
Lemon daffodil sunshine
Crayon blue skies
Pale rose tinged clouds
And lark song greet the sunrise
The world is awaking…
But as I stare out the window
After a long, dark night
Feeling the unspoken fear
Of unfulfilled promises
I turn away from the light…
Too many times
My butterfly hopes have faded
With a final flutter
Over the wishful horizon
They disappeared…
So just for today
I close the curtains
And burrow down
In the blue shadows
To hide my heart away…
Tomorrow will come
With bright hope renewed
But today I hush the world
To find the inner strength
To try again…
Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
Several faces cross my mind
Memories of dried up wishes
Daydream bouquets wilted
Another handful of dry petals
Blowing away as I toss them
Into the cold spring wind…
March lions hail down
Pellets of frozen ice
Winds slice through my armor
another false disguise
Pulling my coat closer feeling resigned
I turn and bump into you.
A flash of immortal fire
splits the darkening skies
Two souls find each other
through the meeting of startled eyes
And suddenly with a lightning view
I realize in all of those confusing faces…
I was searching for you.
I knew you a long time ago…
When spirit touched spirit
And our minds were intertwined
There were no obstacles
Such as distance
Or baggage
Or heartbreak…
There was just us
Believing we could fight the world
To find each other again
It was simple…
Before life interfered
And we found ourselves
Far from each other
With a veiled mind
And no remembrance of carefree days
Running through the stars
Nor the tender promises
Two innocent souls had made
Years have passed…
And time has mellowed my heartache
But I still wait for you
For our breathless reunion
When with a hesitant glance
Our eyes will meet
Our spirits will touch
The flame will rekindle
And we will smile
Remembering just a glimpse
Of eternity…
Glancing through old photos
I found one of you.
One that I had forgotten…
And I quietly withdrew
The ache surprised me…
I had not expected
That familiar twinge
Nor the silent tears
One photo…
Memories of laughter
and tender plans
of a woman in love
With an unforgettable man
A reminder of a pipe dream
that was just a mirage
A memory of love
That was only mine…
I know I have been consigned
To the distant corners
Of your heedless mind
I’m just another woman
In your long line of hopefuls
Just another distraction.
Just another wasted attraction
Just another faded illusion
Just another so-called friend…
Unable to throw your photo away
It gets packed for another day
When my heart is healed
and I close that door
When the sweetness
of your embraces
Don’t hurt anymore
When I am strong enough
To finally forget…
You will be nothing more
Than another Auld Lang Syne.
She stood on the rocky beach holding up the lantern as the brilliant sunset faded into pale memories. It’s warm flame cast a pleasant light over her as she waited. He had said he would come. She believed that he would, but as night drew closer, she began to doubt.
She searched the horizon but saw nothing as the twilight slowly dissolved into darkness. The warm breezes that had danced along the shores during the day turned cooler and began to hint of rain. She could see storm clouds in the distance. Still…she did not move. She held onto the light.
As the rain began to fall, she could feel the cold settling in. Would he see it? Would he see her light among the others on the coast? How would he find her among the lights of the towns and homes that spread for miles? How would he see her small lamp, held close to her heart while she shivered on the shore?
The tide started to come in and the large rocky beach began to disappear as she backed towards the cliff walls. She had nowhere to go, for if she gave up and left, he would never find her. It was then the first, large cold wave washed over her. It took her breath away and she gasped. She shivered and the light wavered as she stumbled backwards and fell to the ground. The light sputtered in the lantern and almost went out. She looked up at the edge of the dark horizon and the lantern lying on its side and began to wonder if she shouldn’t give up.
“Not yet,” she whispered. Cautiously, she reached over and picked the light up. Pushing against the sharp rocks which cut marks in her legs and hands, she stood up. The light had partially dimmed, but it still burned. She held it close to her body to warm herself, careful not to cover the light completely. Shaken, but determined to not give up, she stood still and scanned the horizon. He was still not to be seen.
As the night wore on, icy waves continued to knock her to the ground as the cold rain pelted. Tears mixed with salt water. She was now numb from the cold and exhaustion, yet she picked herself up every time and stood her ground. Maybe he would not come. Maybe she had waited all this time for nothing. She felt foolish for continuing to wait, but something inside her heart told her not to leave. Not to give up.
It was in the fourth watch of the night that her hand dropped with the lantern at her side. She could not go on. She had given everything she had. She dropped to her knees and let the tears flow as she stared aimlessly at the horizon empty with despair. She had held on for so long…
It was then the spark of light in the distance caught her eye. She stared at it, not really believing it was meant for her. Yet, within a few minutes, the light grew larger and closer. Could it be…? She almost couldn’t breathe. Struggling to stand up one more time, she lifted the lantern high above her head with a spark of hope. The light on the small boat became clear and with it, she heard his voice calling over the waves. Miracle though it seemed, he had found her light. He had found her.
Her sailor had come home.
Have you ever felt that you lived in the wrong era in history? Did you ever feel as if you were somehow born for a simpler time? I have often felt that way, especially when it comes to dating. There have been so many times when I wished time travel was real. My heart yearns for the days when gentlemen held doors for women and courted them with roses, strolls through a park, love songs, poetry, and soft words of romance.
I fully realize that even then that was somewhat of a pretense, but oh to hear the sweet words of a well-turned phrase rather than “Hey baby, what size are those wonders?” (Yes, I actually have had several men ask me some version of that.) I don’t mean insincere flattery, but a soft and sincere compliment given in that moment when your eyes meet. When you catch your breath as his look speaks volumes and your heart races a little.
I yearn for the days when marriage was still the ultimate goal of dating instead of one-night stands or flings (which I won’t do). When commitment, chastity and honor were a code to live by, not something to be mocked. I’m an old-fashioned woman living in a modern world and with each passing year, I feel more like a relic on the shelf.
Yes, I’m fully aware that I’m a hopeless romantic. I know that all throughout history there have been cretinous cads, but surely there must be a man out there who still believes in romance? I actually believe that there are many, and I still hope there is one for me. Maybe he is reading this post right now…I don’t know. But if you are, find me…I’m still waiting…
“Run to You” by Whitney Houston
I know that when you look at me
There’s so much that you just don’t see
But if you would only take the time
I know in my heart you’d find
A girl who’s scared sometimes
Who isn’t always strong
Can’t you see the hurt in me?
I feel so all alone
Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone always in control
But at night I come home and turn the key
There’s nobody there, no one cares for me
What’s the sense of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share it with
Tell me what does it mean?
I want to run to you
I want to run to you
Won’t you hold me in your arms
And keep me safe from harm?
I want to run to you
But if I come to you
Tell me…will you stay
Or will you run away?
Do you know that I write for you?
Do you read what I cannot speak?
My similes are wishes…
Declarations of admiration
My metaphors weep tears
Of silent yearning
My heart beats in tender sonnets
That I fear to even whisper…
And when my pen is dry
I dip it in the ink of my soul
For therein lies the truth
Not masked by politeness
Raw, unrefined and unstained by lies
In the stare of innocent honesty
I cannot hide the desire in my eyes
To finally see yours loving the reality
Of me…
It seems to be a paradox to miss someone
That I haven’t even met
But I miss you my forever friend
Though our paths have not crossed as yet
I miss the laughter we will share
At silly jokes and mismatched socks
At badly cooked dinners,
And memories waiting in a box.
I miss the flowers you will bring me
When I’m feeling a little blue
Or the moments you will hold me
When our joys seem far too few.
I miss the rainy nights
When I will massage your headache away…
Where I will bring you a cup of tea
As you tell me about your day
I miss those sweet hours to be,
Just wanting to be close…
When in front of the Christmas tree
We will cuddle as it snows
My hand brushes the blanket
On the lonely side of the bed
Where in the future I will listen
To your quiet breathing instead
Though you will be part
Of my happily ever after
I’m missing you, my darling
In this my lonely now…
For my future “him”
I would whisper your name in dreamy reverie
…if I knew what it was.
I would play you a tender melody
…if I knew the music that moved you
I would stroll beaches with our fingers entwined
…if I knew which hand was yours.
I would rest my weary heart in your arms
…if I knew which arms would hold me.
I would blush at your endearments
…if I knew the sweet tones of your voice.
I would bend softly to your kisses
…if I knew which lips to kiss.
I would say yes to a lifetime with you
…if only I knew who to say it to.
Your silent song
has stolen my heart
I see you…
those wistful, weary eyes
that sad half-smile
Hiding from the world
the burdens you carry
Soulful sighs…
Echoing across the skies
Two lonely muses seeking
For their immortal lovers…
I look to the stars for an answer
In eternal tongues the gods reply
But my heart has not yet learned
the language of Olympus…
What is the goddess’ secret
that she whispers
to the lucky few?
This old, romantic soul
listens for Aphrodite’s rhyme
that beckons the aching heart
And answers…somewhere in time.
I press my fingers on the window pane
Afraid of this chance I must take again.
“Softly, softly…” I chide.
Too many times I have felt the searing pain
Too many times I have drowned in endless rain
Still…my heart peeks out from behind
the high walls of my protective shrine.
“Softly, softly…” I whisper.
His words beckon from a distance
His soul calls to me from the silence
Does my heart have courage enough to reply?
Can my spirit endure another goodbye?
“Softly, softly…” I sigh.
My secret dreams are stirred once more
Slowly and trembling I open the door
Softly…softly…
Cotton dreams wrapped in candy kisses
Coral clouds and violet wildflowers
Tall amber wheat fields
And innocent child fantasies
Of diamond rings and floating veils
Gentle waves on white sand beaches
Sweet pink plumeria leis
Anticipation of romantic roses
Embraced by a flaming sunset
And dancing under a twilight sky
Years pass…
Lonely grey winter days
Bitter solitary tears
Empty promises and harsh words
The endless aching of broken dreams
Yet…there it is, do you see it?
It’s hiding in the shadowy ruins
Against emerald hills and lavender
Pink glitter and fairy wishes
A breath of hope stirs…
Hesitant, shy and vulnerable
Petals open slowly under the warmth
Of soft words and kept promises
Tentatively I let go and fall
Into the gentle cradle of cotton dreams
It draws me in…it almost calls to me. In a shop crowded with cheap and tasteless novelties, its beauty stands out. I longingly touch the surface, running my hand along the carvings and staring at the romantic icon of the Eiffel Tower. It speaks volumes without saying a word.
I wind up the box and open it. Its minor notes play a wistful tune. I have heard this melody before, but not in my current memory. Did I hear it in another place and time? Haunting, mysterious, and tender…
I close my eyes. Yes, I know this tune…it is both familiar and timeless. Among the notes I hear soft whispered words from past shadows. His voice, someone I once knew…but have not met yet. He is still there…hiding in the shadows of my other memory. Those whispers…what are they saying?
“I loved you once and I will love you again. I will find you…” My heart recognizes his voice…the deep timbre sends chills through my veins. Trembling, I carefully close the box and hold it close to me. He is near…
It’s summer now…
The world is in love.
The scent of freshly cut grass
still wet with morning dew
drifts through the sheer curtains
by my open window.
Nearby I hear laughter…
Children playing in the yard.
Smoky open camp fires
and s’more melted chocolate
on burnt marshmallows sweeten the air
Vibrant sunsets struggle
With hot lightning and black clouds
While cool rain evaporates
On the burning pavement
The scent of a summer storm
Rejuvenates tired, dusty leaves.
If the rose and lavender
bloom with the riches of June
then why do the snowflakes
fall in my heart?
Bitter winds blow there
as icicles begin to form
in their glacial perfection
Heliotrope auroras
shoot cutting arrows
through the few remaining soft spots
in the hidden desires of my heart.
It won’t be long before
they, too, become impenetrable.
Will the Ice Queen reigneth?
Or will she allow
the tender breath of hope
to melt the barriers of her defenses?
I am seen…but I am not seen
My soul moves in and out
of the currents of life quietly
Muted footsteps treading hesitantly
Another wildflower along the banks
Of a stream with its endless eddies
Crowded with beauties
Plucked by the whims of desire
I am simply a part
Of the enhanced background
of this consuming pilgrimage…
Visible…but invisible
Concealed by the clamor
Of acquiescing escorts
Who shrug at a kiss
And mock old virtues.
I am not Esther
In her saving beauty
I am the wallflower
In the twilight hour
Look…I am still here
The ivy of creeping denigration
Has not quite won the day
Will you not see…and stay?
Wallflower Blossoming 